What Hurts The Most
by LightSpirit
Summary: My third oneshot fic and sequel to 'Behind These Hazel Eyes'. In the aftermath of Laura's personal accusations against him, Smithy finally lets out his real emotions that he has been keeping to himself for so long.


**What Hurts The Most**

_**In the aftermath of Laura's personal accusations against him, Smithy finally lets out his real emotions that he has been keeping to himself for so long.**_

* * *

Smithy lay there in the hospital bed, recovering slowly by every minute and drowning in his thoughts. The recent events had really come down hard on him. Laura's shocking revelation of her true identity and her personal accusations against him had made him think of nothing but Kerry and how guilty he really felt about his other relationships. He realised that he hadn't done what he did because he had moved on; he did it because he had changed into a different person after he lost Kerry, which caused him to make the biggest mistakes of his life. He knew that Kerry was still the love of his life and that no one could ever replace her. He had lied to people and even himself for he realised that for so long, he had been living a meaningless lie. But with Laura making him realise and rediscover his true feelings about his mistakes and how he was living his life, everything really went over the line for him as he showed a part of him that he hadn't shown in so long for he went mad with grief and guilt. He broke down at Kerry's grave in front of his colleagues when they went looking for him after he disappeared from the hospital with the area car. It was then that everyone who had never met Kerry realised the real reason why Smithy had such a hatred for guns - not because they killed Carly Samuels, but because they killed the woman he loved right in front of him. The words that he had screamed when he had broken down were still echoing in his mind:

"Damn it… damn it Kerry! It was just going to be you and me! We were meant to spend the rest of our lives together! You can't just leave me here all alone! You just can't… Why did you have to go so soon?! Come back please… I need you Kerry, please come back!"

Later back at the station, he trashed his own office in a state of rage after a confrontation with DC Stevie Moss which turned violent when he punched her. But there it didn't end; Smithy even tried to do something that he really thought would make things better for him - he tried to commit suicide. However, Sgt Callum Stone found him bleeding to death from a stab wound to the stomach in the male toilets of the station. Smithy was instantly rushed to hospital in time to be saved and now he lay there in a hospital bed recovering from his wound and swallowing himself up in his grief and guilt as he thought about just how he still loved Kerry and how much he missed her. Now Laura had been doing a lot of thinking herself. She knew that she had hurt Smithy and she felt bad about it, for she knew that Kerry never wanted to see Smithy hurt in any way possible. But when Laura found out about Smithy's attempted suicide, she was horrified and wrecked with guilt about the way she had treated him but yet she knew that she was right. She decided that to try and patch things up between them, for she knew that she never meant for everything to happen the way it did. Laura managed to make her way to Smithy's room and was horrified to see him lying there in a hospital bed. Smithy turned to face her.

"Smithy!" Laura gasped and she walked closer to the bed. "Oh my god! What have you done to yourself?"

"Tried to make the pain I'm feeling to go away." Smithy answered.

"This is all because of me! I didn't want this! I've made such a mess of things! Look Smithy, I'm sorry about what I've put you through and I understand if you can never forgive me but…"

"No Laura, it's ok." Smithy cut her off. "You were right."

Laura was silent for a moment. "I was?"

Smithy nodded. "Yeah because I did betray Kerry. I was so stupid to not realise at the time that I shouldn't have been doing what I was doing. I shouldn't have gotten involved with them in the first place. And I've been regretting it all ever since I realised what I'd done."

"Smithy, it's just Kerry was my sister. She was my best friend, and I never wanted anybody to disrespect her in anyway even if she's not here anymore."

"Yeah I know. I never wanted that either, especially from me and I hate myself for doing it."

Laura sat down on the side of the bed.

"Smithy, I know it would be very painful for you but if you're in a good enough state, would you mind telling me why she was taken from us? If you can. I mean I always looked up to her; I always wanted to be like her. And I, I need to know. I mean what did she do that made her killer think she deserved what he did to her?"

Smithy paused for a moment and stared at her. "She'd done nothing wrong at all. She was stopped before she could do something right and right after she'd done something so wonderful. It is really painful. But you really should know."

He knew how painful it was to talk about Kerry's death but he knew that Laura should know the full details and began telling her the most painful story he could ever tell anyone.

* * *

_**I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
**__**That don't bother me  
I can take a few tears now and then an juts let them out  
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while  
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me  
Every now and again, I pretend I'm OK  
But that's not what gets me**_

Smithy's detailed account of Kerry's death had brought Laura to tears. She had never imagined her sister going through so much.

"Horrible way to die!" She said through her tears. "To think of how much damage a small piece of metal can do! And you know after mum's big lie, I actually developed a phobia of food that was out of date! And for what? For nothing! And to think that you were there when it happened - held her in your arms, stayed with her the whole time and watched her die. I was always wondered how you suffered."

"I suffered more than I ever have and ever will." Smithy said trying to hold back his tears.

Laura looked at him.

"And still suffer till this day forward?" There was silence for a second. "Smithy, you know that you can tell me anything. You don't have to keep your real feelings secret anymore. And please don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about, everybody does the same when they go through something like this. The worst thing anybody can do is lose the one they love. How long have you kept it all to yourself?"

"Too long."

"Don't do that; it's not good for you. If there's something you want to say just say it. Because in situations like this as time passes, the only way that you can handle the pain is to live like you don't care. But I know you do."

Smithy remained silent for a moment and then sighed in exasperation. "You know when you have so many great friends they try to, make it seem that it's easy to move on with your life."

"Yeah, but they never succeed."

Smithy let his tears fall from his eyes and lifted himself up into a sitting position.

_**What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could've been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do**_

"There is not one single day that goes by where I don't think about Kerry. I'm always hoping that she's watching over me and she's listening to every word I say to her. No matter what mistakes I've made in my life, nothing and no one has ever replaced Kerry because I have never stopped loving her and I never will. I promised her that. And I can't believe that it's been almost 4 years since she was killed in my arms. Every time I think about it, I feel overwhelmed with grief at how our life together had been cut short. The only thing that comforts me is the fact that she died knowing I loved her and I knew that she loved me. It's just so cruel that as soon as we had finally admitted our feelings for each other, Kerry was taken away from me. I have never loved anyone the way I loved her and I never will, not even Louise Larson and definitely not Kezia Walker. With Louise Larson, it was different but it wasn't love. When I first got involved with her, it had barely been a year since I lost Kerry and I was still on the rebound. I just I missed Kerry so much and I just needed to feel love and be loved again, but Louise Larson was the wrong person and in hindsight I can see that. As for Kezia Walker, what I had with her is nowhere near what I had with Kerry. It was just a huge waste of my time. And you were right, they never looked at me the way Kerry did. The only reason I got involved with those two is because I shut down when I lost Kerry and there's not a day that goes by where I don't beg her to forgive me. I have loved Kerry from the moment I laid eyes on her and we were destined for better things. You said that she was planning to spend the rest of her life with me."

"Yeah that's what she told me. Like you said, you and Kerry were destined for better things alright - the rest of your lives together, marriage, a family. I mean for once, my sister finally found true happiness with the right man. It was always you Smithy. Not Luke, not Cameron - you. You were always the one for Kerry."

"I was planning to spend the rest of my life with her too you know. And if there was anything that bastard David Kent was good at, it was destroying other people's lives! He destroyed my life when he took Kerry from me because she was my life! When she died, the good part of me died with her. I'm not the man I once was. Every time I looked into the future, I saw her."

_**It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go  
But I'm doin' it  
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone  
Still harder  
Getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret  
But I know if I can do it over  
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken**_

"And she saw you."

"And when I found out that he was the one who killed her and that he'd raped her, I felt an anger in me that I had never felt before. I only feel that anger when I think of what he did to Kerry. I definitely enjoyed beating him up, but it wasn't enough to make him feel the pain that I felt when he took Kerry from me. And I know I would've tried to kill him, because that would've been my revenge."

"But you're better than that Smithy. You're not a cold heartless murderer like he was."

"No maybe not. But he had to pay and he did with his own blood. You know I'm actually relieved that I can finally express how I really feel about Kerry. I finally have somebody I can talk to about it. I'm not afraid to cry but I don't when I'm around my friends and colleagues. I know it's so stupid and weak but I've kept my real feelings to myself for so long because I never feel that I can tell them how I really feel."

_**What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could've been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do**_

"But why?"

"Because I'm a sergeant; I'm supposed to be a role model for the other officers and the public. When you're a police officer, you're expected to be strong and move on with your life. But I can't do; I don't do that. All I do now is pretend someone I'm not; I've been living a lie all this time just to show that I do still care about my job. I was going to resign from the force when I lost Kerry, until Gina convinced me to stay. I haven't shown it in so long but, in truth Kerry is still the love of my life. They say time's a great healer…"

"They lie."

"Yeah. If I could bring Kerry back I would do it. If I could turn back time and set things right I would do it. Why was fate so cruel to us? Why did she have to be taken away from me so soon? I think about her everyday, it's hard not to think about her - there's so much that reminds me of her. I miss her so much."

_**What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could've been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do**_

"Hey it's okay; I miss her too."

"I loved Kerry more than anything else in the world Laura, I still love her and I always will. I just want her back! I need her back!"

_**Not seeing that loving you  
That's what I was trying to do**_

Smithy could not keep anything hidden and broke down into a flood of tears. Despite feeling overwhelmed with grief, he was relieved that he had finally told someone the truth that he had been keeping to himself for so long. Feeling ever so sorry for him, Laura stood up off the bed and wrapped her arms around him, enveloping him in a hug.


End file.
